I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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