My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
