I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
