oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
