got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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