You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
