Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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