We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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