Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
