true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
