i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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