it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
