This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
