my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I smell stomach acid.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
