i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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