Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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