It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
