I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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