How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
