FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
