Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
