When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
