She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
