Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
