did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
