dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
