I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
