The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
