im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
