idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
