Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
