of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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