I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
