Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
