my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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