the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
