Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
