my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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