My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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