I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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