I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
