I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
