sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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