If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
