with your own penis?
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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