I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
