i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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