Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
