When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
