I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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