The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
