Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
