I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
