and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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