My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
