If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
