Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
