Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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