There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
