Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
