I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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