I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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