you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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