i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
