Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
