I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
