How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
